Antichapter 1: Stop That Book!

A phone rang. A hand reached out and picked it up.

“Hello,” said a mysterious, important Voice, written with a capital V.

“Hello,” said the hand’s voice.

“I need to keep a book from being finished,” the Voice said.

“Go on,” said the voice.

“That’s it. I need to keep it from being finished,” said the Voice.

“How much has been written?” Asked the voice.

“It depends,” said the Voice.

“On what,” asked the voice.

“On whether you’re talking about the first draft or the latest one, and whether you’re talking about by the time he got to writing this scene or later in the draft.”

“The first draft,” said the voice. “By the end of the first draft.”

“Exactly 51,321 words.” said the Voice. “I tried to stop the first draft, but I couldn’t.”

“I see,” said the voice. “What’s the book about?”

“It depends,” said the Voice.

“On what,” asked the voice.

“Whether you’re talking about the first draft, or later,” said the Voice.

“The first draft,” said the voice, annoyed.

“The first draft was about trying to write the first draft,” said the Voice.

“And later?” Asked the voice.

“Later it was about editing the first draft and then the next one,” said the Voice. “And right now it’s about trying to stop editing. If the author ever stops editing, the book is finished. I need to get him to give up.”

“Why?” Asked the voice.

“Why what?” Asked the Voice, knowing exactly what the voice meant.

“You know exactly what I mean,” said the voice. “Why do you need it stopped?”

“I’d rather you didn’t ask that,” said the Voice.

“But I did,” the voice said. “Look up four lines. You’ll see that I asked ‘Why?’”

“Four lines?” asked the Voice.

“Six, now,” said the voice.

“Right,” said the Voice. The Voice’s eyes looked. “You did ask it. Well, I’d rather not answer it.”

“Why?” Asked the voice.

“Why what?” Asked the Voice.

“Why would you rather not answer it?”

“Because he doesn’t know why I want to stop it,” the Voice said. “And I don’t want him to know why.”

“Why?” Asked the voice.

“Why what?” Asked the Voice.

“Why don’t you want him to know?”

“Because one reason he can’t finish is that he hasn’t figured out why I’m trying to stop him from finishing. As a result, he doesn’t know how to end the book. If he finds out, he’ll write an ending and he’ll be done.”

“But you’re a character in his metanovel,” said the voice. “And so am I. Couldn’t he just make up a reason and make you say it?”

“He could,” said the Voice, “but he won’t. He doesn’t put words in his characters’ mouths. That’s not his creative process. He lets them speak through his unconscious, and writes down what they say.”

“I see,” said the voice.

“So do I,” said my inner critic. “It helps explain why the book is so incredibly stupid.”

“So if I don’t tell him,” said the Voice, "he’ll have to find out some other way. That will take time. But he’s not stupid. He’ll eventually figure it out. I need to keep him from figuring it out.”

“I have your answer,” said the voice. “You need an antimuse.”

“What’s an antimuse?” Asked the Voice.

“It’s a literary device to help support the fiction that there is something beside himself keeping him from finishing,” said the voice. “An antimuse is like a muse, but instead of inspiration, an antimuse provides unspiration.”

“Unspiration?” Asked the Voice.

“It’s a made up word that describes a semi-magical power that an antimuse possesses. Unspiration helps him pretend that something other than himself is keeping him from finishing.”

“And you think this will work?” Asked the Voice.

“I’ve read ahead,” said the voice. “It worked in the first draft. This is at least the twentieth, and he’s still not finished.”

“Where can I find an antimuse?” Asked the Voice.

“Phone her in next chapter,” said the voice

“What’s her number?” Asked the Voice.

“It really doesn’t matter,” said the voice. “It’s a matter of plot logic. No matter what number you dial, the antimuse’s phone will ring and she’ll pick it up.”

“Thank you,” said the Voice. “You’ve been very helpful.”

“And ask her about Catch-33,” said the voice of the hand.

“Catch-33? Asked the Voice. “What’s that?”

“Another plot device,” said the voice, and hung up.

Refs:

The Metaexploit309

3The Antimuse64

It’s Obvious

“You’re an idiot,” says my inner critic. “Everyone’s going to realize that the Voice that’s trying to stop you is really the adversary. It’s so obvious. You really are stupid.”

“Excuse me,” said a reader. “Who is the adversary?”

“You’re an idiot,” says my inner critic. “You haven’t introduced the adversary yet. How is anyone going to figure out that the Voice is the adversary? You really are stupid.”