Chapter 5: A Metanovel

Writing experts advise authors: write what you know about and what you care about. “That’s correct,” said a writing expert. “I personally have given that advice many times to many grateful authors. Indeed, I will advise you now: write what you know about and what you care about.” “Thank you,” I said. “It was nice of you to show up in my metanovel to provide confirma­ tion.” “You’re welcome,” said the writing expert. “I’ll be sending you my bill. It’s net seven days. Please attend to it.” “What are you billing me for?” I asked. “For advising you what to write.” “But I already knew what you told me,” I said. “And you’re a fictional character. A plot device.” “There’s no need for name-calling,” said the writing expert. “My fee is the same whether you know what I tell you or not. I can’t know what you know when I tell you what I know, you know? For all I know, you didn’t know.” “But I did know,” I answered. “It’s right in the first paragraph, which you must have read, since you replied to it in the second.” “I read it,” said the writing expert. “It states what writing experts tell authors. However you have not indicated that any writing expert has so advised you, nor has anyone authoritative con­ firmed that the said advice is correct. I have done both.” “I see,” I said. I thought for a moment. “I’ll have my accountant take care of your bill.” I had had no accountant when this sentence started, but this was my metanovel and I decided to have one in the very next paragraph. I knew I needed an accountant with a particular set of skills, and that’s exactly what I imagined. “You need some help, boss?” Asked my new accountant. His name was Vito. He was six four, and weighed about 240 lbs, all muscle. He was a stereotype, but I didn’t need a refined character. I needed muscle. His particular skills, which did not include bookkeeping, were useful in settling particular kinds of conflicts. He specialized in contracts. “That character who just left this chapter is trying to shake me down,” I said. “Take care of him.” “No problem, boss,” said Vito. “You’ll never see him again. Vito left and I was able to return to my idea. “Unless you reread this chapter,” Vito added, the first time I edited the chapter. “But I’ll take care of him every time.” Vito left again and I was able to return to my idea again. Right now I care deeply about writing my NaNoWriMo novel; and I know more about writ­ ing this particular NaNoWriMo novel than anyone. That’s what I’ll write about. That’s what the author had believed at the time he had been writing, but he had been wrong. Both God and the Not Quite Omniscient Narrator knew far more he did. And so did anyone who Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for Dmmies read a later draft than the one he was working on. Despite that, he knew enough to know, as soon as he had conceived his idea, that his idea was brilliant. “Can I say what I am?” Asked the newly conceived idea. “Please!” “Of course,” he answered. “I’m the idea that you write a novel about about how you are writing this novel,” it said. Like all great ideas, it was obvious in retrospect. Ever since I had started writing I had been writing about how I had been writing. Writing my novel will be easy, he thought. I’ll just sit down and write about how I’m just sit­ ting down and writing, for example. Like right then. And now. A novel about writing a novel is a metanovel, unless the novel being written is the same as the one that’s being written about. In that case it’s a self-referential metanovel. Now I could tell people what I was writing. “Hey!” The idea continued, as it developed. “I’m the idea for a self-referential metanovel! For me!” The idea was a self-referential metanovel writing idea. And I was a self-referential metanovel writing author. Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for Dmmies So That’s The Big Idea? “So that’s the big idea?” Asks my inner critic, rhetorically. “That’s the idea that’s worth a whole chapter?” “Yes,” I said proudly. “It’s brilliant, isn’t it?” “It’s stupid,” says my inner critic Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for D*mmies