Chapter 12: How To Create A Muse Without A Muse

Just a moment ago I had been just about to write a chapter I was going to call Getting An Editor. Unaccountably I turned back to page 46 and reread the Publisher’s words. Am I glad I did! “On second thought,” he had said “a muse. Yes. A muse. Much better than an editor. A muse is exactly what you need. Get a muse!” How could I have forgotten that? I wondered. A muse, not an editor. A muse could help me fix my book. A muse would be my solution. But that solution led to a problem. How could I create a muse? To create any sort of charac­ ter I’d need to conceive of it. To conceive of a muse I’d either have to have had experience with a muse, or have to have been inspired. Since I’d never had a muse, I had no experience. Since I had no experience, I’d have to be inspired. But to be inspired I’d need a muse, because muses are the sources of inspiration. I needed to have what I didn’t have to get what I needed to have. In other words, I was screwed. If there was one thing you could say about me it was that there was more than one thing that you could say about me, and one of the things you could say about me is that I am stubborn. I wouldn’t give up. I tried Wikipedia hoping to get second-hand experience with a muse, but the articles I read didn’t give me enough experience to create one. And they weren’t the least bit inspiring. Then, suddenly, I knew that in the very next paragraph, I would know that I would have the answer! I could hardly wait to end this sentence and start to write it. A metamuse! A metamuse, and evolution! A metamuse and evolution and a new chapter! Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for Dmmies It’s A Trap! “Don’t create a metamuse,” the metanovel said. “It’s a trap! It’s going to lead to trouble. And I won’t exist. Please don’t do it.” “I’m sorry I’ve missed your call,” typed the adversary. “I’m either on the phone or away from my desk. But your call is very important to me. Please leave a message, along with your telephone number, and I’ll return your call as soon as I can.” Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for Dmmies Prologue 3: Sorry. You Burn In Hell. Since you are a reader of this metanovel, you are a character in this metanovel, and since you are a character you might be worried that the adversary’s plan to get the antimuse into the metanovel will be successful, and that in ending the metanovel’s existence your existence will be compromised. Sadly you’ve got bigger things to worry about. This book’s Not Quite Omniscient Narrator has some bad news to narrate. Very bad. Bad for you. Sit down. Brace yourself. Think back to Prologue 1. Look back to Prologue 1 on page 9 if thinking is too hard. Think or look back to the warning you were given. The one you ignored. The warning not to replace the asterisks in God’s words with something else. You ignored it! You must have ignored it! A rash of recent karma-affecting events have overloaded God’s automated Karma Calculat­ or, so your karma recalculation has been delayed. But now your karma has caught up with you. You replaced the asterisks with letters that put vileness into God’s mouth, otherwise why would you be reading this? Otherwise why would the Not Quite Omniscient Narrator be narrat­ ing it? Otherwise why would you be getting this bad karma notice? The author tried to warn you. He wrote a warning footnote3? Remember that? And in the text he reminded you to read the footnote. Remember that? Either you weren’t paying attention or you didn’t give a shit. Either way, it’s bad news. For putting vileness in God’s mouth you are condemned to burn in Hell. Starting in just a few moments. And for all eternity. Sorry. 3 A footnote very much like this one. I hope you are paying attention this time, even though it’s too late. Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for Dmmies Criticism: Burning In Hell? “Do you expect anyone to believe they are burning in Hell because of your stupid prologue,” asks my inner critic. “If they’re burning in Hell,” I answer, “does it matter what they believe?” Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for Dmmies