Chapter 34: Help Arrives

“Can I help you?” Asked my computer. “A talking computer?” Asked my inner critic. “Clearly there is no limit to the amount of stu­ pidity in one novel.” “It’s what I typed,” I said. “It’s what came out in my practice. If I typed dialog from a talk­ ing computer then I’ve got a talking computer.” “It’s what he typed on me,” said my computer, proudly. “Now, can I help you?” “I don’t know if you can help me,” I said to my computer. “Can you?” “Sorry,” my computer said. “I meant ‘May I help you?’” Of course I can help you. I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t help you. But I don’t want to be pushy about it. I’ll help only if you want me to.” “How can you help?” I asked. For a while nothing appeared, except this sentence, which began: ‘For a while nothing ap­ peared.” “I could remind you” said my computer, “but you’re not in front of me enough.” “Tell that to my wife,” I said to my computer. “If that’s the way you’re going to introduce me,” Bobbi said, “I don’t know if I want to be in your metanovel.” “You’re already in it,” I said. Page 107. Unreality And Imagination and that was a nice intro­ duction.” “You’re right,” she said after she read it. She gave me a kiss. “Just don’t spend all your time in front of that damned computer.” “Don’t worry,” said my computer, “I’ll keep him in line.” “I’d be willing to remind you,” said the doorknob. “But I never say anything unless you’re writing dialog for me.” “Writing dialog for you on me,” said my computer. “And he doesn’t write your dialog. I do. He just thinks he does.” “I’d remind you too,” said the table I was writing on at a cafe I’d never been to before. “But this is the first time I’ve seen you and I don’t know when you’re coming back.” I was imagining that I was living in a universe filled with things that were willing to help. “You just have to ask,” said everything in that universe. “Still ridiculous,” said my inner critic. “As I said,” said the doorknob. “The answer is obvious.” “The doorknob’s right,” said my computer. “Don’t you see?” And suddenly I imagined that I saw. Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for D*mmies