Chapter 33: What The Doorknob Said

“Is there no limit to how stupid you can get?” Asked my inner critic. “Now you’re going to get answers from a doorknob?” “I’m writing this for a purpose,” I said to my inner critic. “I put God in my metanovel for a purpose. God told me to ask the doorknob for a purpose. So I’m going to ask the doorknob.” “Which doorknob” Asked my inner critic. “There are billions of doorknobs.” But there weren’t billions of doorknobs. Up until now there had been no doorknobs. There hadn’t even been a reference to a door, much less a doorknob, until the last chapter, which for­ ward-referenced a doorknob, and a very vague reference to a piece of household hardware in Chapter 7, on page 39, as I decided Who’s In The Metanovel? But a forward reference to a doorknob is not a doorknob. And neither is a vague reference to household hardware. Fortunately this was a self-referential metanovel. The doorknob he needed to talk to would appear when imagined; and he would imagine it when he needed to imagine it; and that would be the next sentence. I imagined a doorknob. “Are you the doorknob God told me to talk to?” I asked the imagin­ ary doorknob. “Yes,” said the doorknob. To save time I imagined that the doorknob had read the previous chapter and knew why it was here. “How can I remember to practice remembering to practice?” I asked the doorknob. “The answer is obvious,” said the doorknob. “It’s not obvious to me,” I said. “Obviously,” said the doorknob. “So what’s the answer?” I asked. “The answer is still obvious,” said the doorknob. Great! I thought. I’ve imagined a doorknob that talks in riddles. I need someone who can actually help. “Obviously,” said the doorknob. “Imagine someone helpful,” said the metanovel. “How?” I asked. “Start a new chapter,” said the metanovel. “Sit down and look at it. Have faith in yourself. Practice! You’ll write the answer.” Self-Referential Metanovel Writing for D*mmies