Self-Referential Metanovel · contents
Retroactive Contents
Part II: The Metanovel
- The World’s Stupidest Novel1
- Part I: Before The Beginning2
- God’s Will4
- The Author’s Apology5
- God’s Apology6
- Publisher’s Disclaimer7
- These Apologies Are Stupid8
- Improbability9
- Probability Zero11
- And God Said: “Let There Be Light! Dammit!”12
- Blasphemy!16
- Part II: The Metanovel18
- It’s Done!19
- Epilogues Go At the End21
- It’s Really Done!29
- Starting Out: The First Chapter30
- 70 Pages!31
- What Is NaNoWriMo?32
- Is That It?33
- The Worst Day Of My Life34
- An Idea!35
- A Talking Idea?36
- A Metanovel37
- So That’s The Big Idea?39
- Test Marketing The Concept40
- Ego Amok42
- Who’s In The Metanovel?43
- What About Publishing?45
- Publishing Before You Finish?46
- Finding a Publisher47
- The Not Quite Omniscient Narrator48
- Redundant!49
- The Greatest Publisher In The Metauniverse50
- He’s Right, You Know52
- A Necessary Sex Scene53
- Enough Sex For Publication55
- Part III: Memories56
- Mom57
- Your Mother?59
- In the Beginning60
- Mom61
- Literary Near-Immortality62
- Mom, Continued63
- Can I Help You Darling?65
- Part IV: The Adversary67
- Stop That Book!68
- It’s Obvious70
- The Rise Of The Adversary71
- Idiocy!72
- Reality And The Flow Of Time73
- The Antimuse74
- Antimuse Redux75
- A Small Plot Change76
- Bad Feelings78
- Part V: The Muse79
- How To Create A Muse Without A Muse80
- It’s A Trap!81
- Sorry. You Burn In Hell82
- Criticism: Burning In Hell?83
- Evolving A Muse84
- I’m In!85
- The Evolved Muse86
- The Plan87
- The Muse Reviews88
- The Heat Death of The Universe89
- It’s All Crap!90
- Finally!92
- Good News From the antimuse93
- Please Finish Me!94
- Part VI: Fear and Procrastination95
- Procrastination96
- The Boy On The Diving Board97
- The Wheel Of Terror98
- Misery100
- Chronic Metastupidity101
- Part VII: Imagination103
- The Third Classic Blunder104
- Most Of Reality Is Imagined105
- Unblundering106
- The Most Powerful Forces In The Universe108
- Unreality And Imagination110
- Did You Understand?111
- Part VIII: Practice! Practice! Practice!112
- Who Is This Fucking Narrator?113
- Something’s Wrong114
- Practice! Practice! Practice!115
- Practice Chapters117
- The Problem118
- Get To Work! Please119
- Tranformative120
- Imagining The Metanovel122
- Good News! You’re Forgiven!123
- God’s Will124
- Evolving The Metanovel127
- More Editing128
- I Could Lie!129
- Success In The Interchapter Break131
- Metapractice 101132
- Lying 101134
- Part IX: A New Beginning135
- A New Beginning136
- He Didn’t Show Up137
- I Give Up!138
- He Gave Up139
- An Accomplished Liar140
- Arrival At Last141
- The Second Step143
- Writers I Admire144
- The End Is In Sight145
- The Imagined Meeting146
- The Third Step149
- The List150
- Get To The Meeting151
- Brainstorming Meeting152
- Reorganization153
- God’s In The Meeting!155
- The Authors Arrive156
- Part X: Lessons From The Masters158
- Faith159
- Paradox Lost163
- End of Meeting165
- Enjoy Life!166
- Realize Where You Really Are167
- The Center of The Universe169
- I Know Where I Am!171
- What Are You?172
- What’s Around Me?174
- The Tree Of Life175
- Enlightenment178
- Half The Story179
- Work! Practice!180
- Part XI: Hard Times181
- Snap!182
- The Worst Day Of My Life183
- Outside Space And Time185
- The Days That Never End188
- Practicing Safety189
- Part XII: Metapractice190
- Practice!192
- What The Doorknob Said193
- Help Arrives194
- Practice, practice, practice195
- More Practice, practice, practice196
- Practicing Imagination197
- Practice Interruptus198
- How To Practice199
- How To Practice201
- A Decision202
- Finishing204
- Part XIII: Endgame205
- Done At Last! Almost206
- Metanovel Writing208
- Omniscience At Last!209
- Interchapter Narration Break210
- Retroactive Legal Details211
- It’s Really Done!212
- No It’s Not!213
- Catch-11214
- It’s Actually Not Bad216
- Postlude217
- The Last Chapter and Page219
Epilogue 2: It’s Really Done!
It worked! I think to myself. Look at those Retroactive Contents!
I remember how I had written my first draft. I had put down whatever came to mind, trying to get my word count up—and trying to encourage myself. En-courage myself. Giving myself the courage to start, and the courage to keep going and most of all, the courage to finish. If I keep imagining that I’m succeeding before I fail, and if I keep imagining that I’m finished before I start, then maybe I’ll actually succeed and finish, I think I thought.
“Stupid then, stupid now” says my inner critic.
“Ignore the critic,” say God and the metanovel together.
Whatever it was, it worked! I think. I didn’t care what was in the book. I wasn’t trying to produce a great book. Not even a good book. Not even a lousy book. A total, utter, complete piece-of-shit book would have been fine as long as it was a complete, 50,000 word book.
“You seem be having trouble producing even a 50,000 word piece of shit,” says my inner critic, later in my first draft. I was struggling, trying to get the word count up to 50,000 before time ran out.
“I did have trouble, but I got it done,” I say still later, after I’d written 51,321 words. “And it was 51,321 words when it was done.”
“A 51,321 word piece of shit is still a piece of shit,” says my inner critic. “And it’s not done.”
“What do you mean it’s not done?” I ask.
“You haven’t finished editing,” says my inner critic.
“It’s getting better,” I say much later, as I struggle with my edits.
“Improved shit is still shit,” my inner critic says, over and over. And over. And over.
Now it’s nearly time to stop writing this first draft of the epilogue, I remembered that I had thought, as I had nearly finished writing the first draft of this epilogue. And next it will be time to write the first word in the first sentence in the first draft of the first chapter.
“It’s going to be a stupid chapter,” my inner critic complained. “Just like this epilogue. I can tell.”
Typeset from the published PDF (Salt Pond Publishing, 2012). Every word is as printed; only line breaks, running heads and hyphenation were removed.
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